Here we’ll explore, and give practical tips, on how you can support someone who’s going through infertility or loss. If you’re the one going through it, it’ll help you navigate these relationships too.
I realised recently that I’ve always grown up with infertility. It’s always been on my radar somehow, but not always realised. It probably started when I was around 2 years old, or maybe even before as a result of what happened to those very close to me.
Although I was aware and would have said I understood, there was no way I really did at all. It was only during my own infertility that I started to see things through a different lens. It’s hard to truly understand unless you’ve been through it and know the rollercoaster firsthand.
I still remember the things people would say to me while in the thick of my own struggles. Some meant well, others downright ludicrous!
Things like:
- You can always adopt
- Don’t worry, there’s IVF
- You should travel while you still have a chance
- Children are a pain in the ar*e anyway
- You can have mine
The list goes on. Some said in jest, most said without understanding.
And why would they? When going through it we hardly know ourselves so how can others really know what’s going on?
The Fixes
There were so many times solutions were offered. In reality, I just needed to sit with the sadness and the grief. I knew in theory that everything would work out in some way. But it’s fair to say no one knows what that looks like. Life seems distorted from how it should be.
The thing is, people are often scared of those emotions. They don’t know how to deal with their own and panic when they see it in others. Even if they want to help, they don’t know how to.
The narrative today of “put your hand up if you’re struggling” is all well and good but without knowing how to move out of it, to a better place, there’s a risk of staying stuck.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. When you’re ready, there’s a new way of dealing with emotions that works much better to support you. Something most of us just haven’t been taught. If you’d like to explore more, then take a look at my free guide HERE. It even includes a guided meditation!
What about support?
Anyhow, back to the support piece – whether you’re going through it personally or know someone who is. If you’re going through a difficult time you might want to share this with others close to you. Or maybe you know someone who’s going through this, and not sure how to support them. This will be so valuable for you!
For the sake of context, this blog is aimed at people who are either currently going through infertility or baby loss, or have in the past. They may be pregnant or have children or even be without children. When we talk about baby loss, it’s loss at any stage – a failed cycle through to full term. Whilst they are very different, each is incredibly important and meaningful in their own special way.
Scaffolding
It can be useful to look at our support as pieces in our scaffolding. Each having a role to play, at different times and for different reasons. Within this blog, we’ll talk about the 4 that are most likely featured; friends, family, partner and work
Let’s break it down by those different groups of people:
- Friends
From the view of the person experiencing/ed hardship:
The hardest thing with friends is wanting to fit in. When going through infertility, we feel like there’s something wrong with us, like we’re broken in some way. It might sound odd or even silly, but that’s often how it feels. Each social event we worry there’ll be another pregnancy or marriage announcement. We fear being left on the shelf.
When you do have your babies, we’re happy for you but it really hurts. We might disappear for a while and that doesn’t mean we don’t still love you; it just hurts so much and we’re scared we’ll completely crack under the pressure.
Even if we do get pregnant there could be a sting of being the older mum, the last one, always playing catch up.
How you can help:
What we’d love from you is simply the space to just be. To co-exist without talking about babies, relationships, the future or any of those things.
If you have a friend who’s struggling there’s a good chance she’d love to meet up and do something together, that doesn’t involve too much talking. Here are some ideas; cinema, cooking class, visit a place, home movie night (with treats!), fun exercise class. Try to keep it light-hearted with space to chat but without talking being a necessity.
Tell her you’re there for her anytime and if she asks you to meet for a coffee, if you can, say yes. So often people who are struggling will ask for something simple to connect, rather than sharing there’s something wrong.
- Family
From the view of the person experiencing/ed hardship:
We know you want what’s best for us. The thing is, we feel a lot of pressure too. Not just about having a baby, but about being “ok” too. Sometimes it can feel like family wants to fix us. That’s a hard place to be when sometimes neither of you knows how.
Sometimes we hold back from sharing because we’re trying to protect you too. We don’t want you to worry about us. It might also be because we don’t want the questions too!
The first time we did IVF I told my mum. She was incredibly supportive but never having gone through IVF herself it was understandably difficult. When it didn’t work and I was devastated, she was there for me, but it was an odd painful time. Later, on another cycle, I chose not to tell her everything. She knew we were doing it all again (and even took a video of the injections!) but didn’t know the dates. I’m so grateful she didn’t ask. I still remember the coffee shop, my seat, where I sent her the 8-week scan photo and cried down the phone that it had worked. It was a special time and she knew enough to be supportive if it didn’t work out.
If you’re TTC and wondering whether to share with family, could there be a compromise? For example, share that you’re in the process but not the dates. Promise them that you will share if anything significant happens. This gives them some comfort that you won’t be struggling alone and hopefully, they won’t put their foot in it too!
How you can help:
If you’re family and you know your loved one is struggling, be patient. Be available without pressurising to know the details. Try to separate the medical side of assisted conception from conception itself. It still deserves to be private and personal.
If/when pregnancy is announced go easy on the excitement! This might be exactly as you’d hoped but for the mama-to-be, it could still be terrifying, if not more so. Because the further along they get, the more they have to lose. This baby is wanted sooo much, given what they’ve been through, it can feel so fragile.
This can also apply post birth too. Post-natal depression rates are higher amongst IVF mums so be vigilant, without over-concern.
If you know someone going through this, could you ask around or do a little research on someone who might be able to help? I’m amazed at how many of my clients were recommended by their Mum or partner! If this is you and you’re not sure where to get the support for your loved one, take a look at my site for some options and even to book a free call.
- Partner
From the view of the person experiencing/ed hardship:
You’ve both been through something pretty humungous and, sorry to say, the guy often gets left behind. The physical side of what they do might indeed be much less, but emotionally they are right there. Especially so if it’s male factor.
As well as dealing with their own emotions, partners are often wanting to support the ladies. The ladies conversely are doing the same in reverse. Sound familiar? It can feel a bit like treading on eggshells at a time when you really want to get together and be connected.
This disconnect can lead to resentment and hostility in many ways.
It’s so important to remember the other elements of your relationship outside of baby-making or parenthood. It’s so easy to get stuck in the nitty-gritty of it all otherwise.
Both should avoid the blame game or ‘I have it worse’. Saying be kind is easy enough but even that means different things to different people. What does it mean to each of you? It’s worth connecting into that, listening to one another. After all, circumstances and natural ebb and flow of life can mean it shifts for each.
Once you know what’s meaningful to one another, what each of you needs, how can you put that into practice? I always avoid the “date night” recommendation because it’s more than that. However, there’s something to be said for trying a bit of a split during the week. It could look something like this:
- A night you both do what he likes
- Another you both do what you like
- Another which is a compromise
- A night to yourself and vice versa
That leaves 3 nights extra to juggle with! Doing something like this could also open your eyes to new experiences. It’ll also redirect your mind away from babies to reconnect again on another level.
Always remember you’re in this as individuals and together. If one of you seemingly changes your mind about a fundamental decision, be understanding and empathise. Get to the root of what’s happening. So often the outward decision is covering something deeper. Are you able to peel opent the layers to get to the root? This take time and gentleness but it’s well worth doing. Once there, it could positively shift everything including thoughts and actions.
If you feel support would be beneficial either as an individual or a couple, seek it out. When we were going through our journey there were times, when we needed support but didn’t know where from or how that looked. When our IVF miracle was just 1 year old our marriage broke down and we were divorced. Hopefully, we’re in the minority, but the ripple effect of infertility and loss shouldn’t go ignored. If you’re going through this, reach out to someone who can support or book in a call with me.
- Work
From the view of the person experiencing/ed hardship:
Juggling any stage of the TTC to parenthood journey with work is no mean feat. It’s physically and emotionally draining to say the least.
When it comes to assisted conception, I’m often asked if it should be shared with work. Most times it depends on the job, company etc. But there’s something that always sticks in my mind. If you were trying to get pregnant naturally and were early on the journey, would you announce “We’re going out for dinner tonight. Then we’re going home and will have s*x to try and make a baby”? It’s unlikely!
Although IVF/ICSI is medical and at a clinic, it’s fundamentally the same thing. If your clinic needs, you for lots of appointments it might be different. But simply doing IVF doesn’t necessarily mean you need to share it with work.
That said, it could be good to have an ally in the office. Someone you trust to support you whether it’s to get out of difficult conversations or to get you a lemonade when others think it’s a G&T (yup, a sneak into my early pregnancy there!). Also, it’ll be someone who gets it when you’re having a bad day.
How you can help:
If you’re a colleague of someone you suspect is going through this, keep in mind these things:
- Although she/he doesn’t have children, that doesn’t mean she’s happy and willing to work every school holiday including summer and Christmas
- Go easy on the complaints about your children. Whether it’s the sleepless nights or little Johnny’s tantrums, although we look to be engaged it hurts
- Never never never conclude that because a person doesn’t have children it’s by choice
- Just because we got married recently doesn’t mean we’ll be popping out children anytime soon
- Yes, I would still like a promotion and if anything will work so much harder for it because I’ll appreciate the distraction
- There are days I just won’t be myself. It doesn’t mean I can’t do my job, or even really need help, I just need some kindness and space
Are you in a company that could benefit from understanding more about this? If so, I host a variety of corporate workshops to support those going through infertility and those supporting. They cover everything from how better to manage the process, find focus to the practical side of the journey. They always include proactive tips and strategies to support you and your coworkers. If this might be something you/your company could benefit from, register your interest HERE.
The tightrope we all can learn
Overall, it’s a fine line but being able to balance being inquisitive, personal and private is key. Wherever you can hold the space without prying is ideal. We don’t always know what others are going through so this is a valuable general life lesson.
A tip for clarity
If you’re struggling right now, there’s a form of journalling that can help. It might even make you giggle too! Here’s what you do:
- Take a scrap of paper
- Give yourself 5-10 mins to write down whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t even need to make sense; this is for you. Don’t worry about full sentences or paragraphs. Just get the thoughts and words on paper
- Take a deep breathe and as you breathe out, scrunch up the paper really hard (an audible “grrr” helps here!)
- Throw the paper over to the other side of the room
There’s something cathartic, fun and even rebellious about doing this. Give it a try next time you’re feeling all up in your head and overwhelmed. It’ll help declutter a busy mind and bring some clarity.
Community
In this blog we’ve covered the main groups of people around; work, family, partner and friends. Whether you’re the one going through it, or supporting from the sidelines, this blog will hopefully have given you some inspiration and support.
Having the right support from peers, and loved ones is so crucial. Even then we might still feel disconnected and crave connection from others going who “get it”. At the same time, we fear being left out from those too.
This is why I create pockets of community to support at crucial times without the burden of forced long term friendship! If this is something you’d like to
At ad hoc times I hold some special small group events for different stages including; group programs, live workshops, cycle buddies (infertility), walks and talks (London) to suit a range of budgets. Some are even free to join. If this is something you’d like to explore and hear when the next one is happening, register your interest HERE