How Claire went from hating herself and distrusting her body for the miscarriages to achieving her biggest goal – and it wasn’t what she expected
Claire came to me when she was a few weeks pregnant. She was scared and anxious, instead of happy and excited. Everything you’re meant to be right? Not really and you’ll be surprised how many ladies come to me for this same thing. It’s what we want but doesn’t necessarily happen right away.
The following week she sadly lost the baby. Our focus turned to healing and gently nurturing. A few weeks later it was International Women’s Day. During a work meeting, Claire was asked, along with her colleagues “Which woman dead or alive are you most proud of?” Most named who you’d expect… my mum / sister / grandma / a well-known figure etc.
Claire on the other hand simply said “Me, I’m so proud of me”.Infertility Miscarriage Rollercoaster
She didn’t think it was possible
It was instinctive and a surprise to herself, and her colleagues. The thing is it came about naturally. No pushing or forced positivity. She later told me how she didn’t think it possible to feel this way so soon after her loss, but it just felt right. It struck me how much is possible, with the right support network. She wasn’t “over it” but wasn’t feeling the deep pain either.
Wow, so powerful especially after what she’d recently been through and the last year she’d had. More on that to come soon.
There’s always a reason behind the pregnancy nerves. The news might have come after a long fertility journey, miscarriage or even if it was a surprise. This idea that we should bloom and glow when pregnant doesn’t always happen, at least in the first few weeks.
Claire’s story had some added complexity. Her last miscarriage had happened while away on holiday. After going to A&E equivalent she knew she’d sadly lost the baby and continued the holiday with extended family. Trying to put on a brave face but, as you can imagine, devastated inside.
Almost exactly a year later Claire was pregnant again and came to me for support. To reduce the anxiety and make way for excitement again. She knew that otherwise, she risked living “scan to scan” never quite believing it would all be ok.
The experiences are different but linked
During our first intro call, I could see the fear and sadness in her eyes. It was almost as if the previous experience was already playing out in her mind to happen again this time. Bracing herself mentally for the fallout, the upset, the devastation. While at the same time desperately wanting to trust it, or at least enjoy it for today.
Like so many others, the goal had been to get pregnant. There was an expectation that a positive pregnancy test would end the stress and anxiety. While that is often the big goal, and it’ll reduce so much of the stress, it often doesn’t cure it all. Suddenly, with each passing day, there’s more to lose. It’s the familiar rollercoaster, about different circumstances.
But it doesn’t need to be this way.
Claire, like many of us, had been to the counsellors. Knew the concepts. Lived a clean life. Read self-help books. But it wasn’t resonating. It didn’t click. Because it’s one thing to know the theory, and another to put it into practice. To know the why and the application.
Without this, it’s easy to stay stagnant, stuck, and unable to move forward out of the anxiety. Whatever stage we’re in it lingers and morphs to adapt to that situation. However, once we know the “why” we’re so much more likely to be drawn to doing the things because it makes sense.
My experience with 2 counsellors in particular accentuated this for me. And made me smile with a head-in-hand kind of feeling.
#1 I saw in my mid-30s. At that time, I knew fertility would be an issue. I’d started dating someone, but it was early days. Work was tricky, mainly because of the ‘you’re not good enough’ voices in my head. She was great. She helped me a lot at the time. But so much of it was talking about my childhood. A childhood that had its tricky bits but nothing big. We never talked about fertility in any big depth, when in reality that was a huge part of what was going on. It’s not her fault, she’d not been through it so wouldn’t have been able to understand.
#2 As part of IVF, my clinic offered a free counselling session. Eager for help to navigate this time I happily took them up on the offer. I’ll never forget it. As I sat down the lady took her notebook and asked, “How do you feel?” I’ll be honest, sitting in the fertility clinic at that time I had no real idea. Such a bundle of emotions it was impossible to pick one. I froze.
Talking, talking, talking vs having the puzzle map
On both occasions, talking alone wasn’t the answer. I needed proactive steps, strategies, and tools to know how to move forward. To heal and grab the future with both hands without fear. To reduce the anxiety as it flared, not understand it as it passed.
Knowing the techniques to achieve all of this changes everything. And it’s the genuine reason why it’s a major part of my practice now. We do the talking for sure, but it’s also teaching tools to move forward. Only in this way, do we get to take back control of our thoughts and feelings.
On one particular day with Claire, she stopped abruptly and said, “Suddenly it all makes sense”. All the things she’d learnt and read about were slotting into place. Like a giant jigsaw puzzle, she finally had the map.
Infertility and loss rocks a person to the core. It strips self-belief and replaces it with “why not me”. We start to question ourselves and wonder what we’ve done wrong. We distrust our body while our mind tells us to be hopeful and positive. It’s a giant rollercoaster. It’s a losing battle.
The problem with fake positivity
This was my experience too. The first time, I worked hard to do what we were told to do. I was positive, put my fears aside and imagined the baby. Told myself it would all work out. Gave her a name. Imagined playing with her. Because “where the mind goes, the body will follow” right? Wrong! It was a BFN and I was devastated. Having believed in it so furiously, it felt like a real loss, more than a failed cycle.
Although my head was positive, the years of infertility had taken their toll and I barely allowed myself to believe I could get pregnant. There was a huge internal disconnect. My body was broken. Healing how I felt about my body was the game changer. Doing that changed everything, and I was able to get pregnant.
I was always sceptical about the mind-body connection but having researched and witnessed it for myself personally and in others it can’t be ignored.
But what is going on? It’s widely known that stress causes our body to release cortisol. As a result of this constant drip of cortisol that many of us have, other areas are impacted too. Our hypothalamus, pituitary glands and adrenal glands are ALL involved in our bodies’ stress response. These are the same areas of our body that connect to our sex hormones – LH, FSH, Progesterone, Testosterone, DHEA, and Estrogen too. Cortisol is a bully hormone though. When the body needs more cortisol, it takes it and prioritises it over the other hormones. More cortisol = less hormones like DHEA that are responsible for managing oxidation in our bodies and good egg quality.
And THAT is, in part, how we end up with a body that is not optimised for fertility.
We can do all the other things, the diet, supplements etc but until we regulate this 👆 it’s like you’re head butting the wall. Even worse it adds to the guilt as it’s something else that doesn’t ‘work’. Once we fix this 👆 everything else falls into place so much easier.
When we think of stress on our journeys, it’s not just about getting pregnant. It’s also trusting your body can maintain the pregnancy. That it can birth your baby. That you will be and are a good mother. The internal, emotional healing is so powerful and not talked about often enough.
It’s not about being positive. If that positivity is fake, it’s worthless. It’s instead about having more self-belief. Not in a bolshy way, but an inner sense of self-belief. Because when you have that, you no longer need to fake the positivity. It’s just there.
Just like Claire who was instinctively proud of herself.
Imagine this
Imagine feeling that way. Imagine the focus shifting. Instead of the almost panicky sense of needing to reach a certain milestone, there’s a comfortable and secure route ahead. Rather than either giving up or being falsely hopeful, it’s an inner sense of belonging and trust that things will work out.
As I write this I’m almost tasting the ‘here we go again’ in myself. But I know it’s true now. Those 40 years of thinking otherwise were misdirected. Life on this side is so much easier, calmer, empowering. Fear doesn’t take hold anymore. It’s still felt, but it’s managed and looked at differently. What would that mean for you?
If your focus is only getting pregnant, or birthing your baby, you could be missing out. Something else that’ll get you moving in that direction, in a much better frame of mind, for your greater long-term good. As a result, everything around you will be easier – refocus at work, and rekindle relationships and friendships without triggers. Just some small examples with big impact.
Something special
If you’re ready to change that, you don’t want to miss my free guide. It connects the dots on emotional well-being in a way that others aren’t sharing. It clearly and concisely explains 3 ways to make all the difference:
1. Quieting the negative voice in your head that’s holding you back.
2. Manage emotions instead of them managing you.
3. Find a way to feel secure at any time with a simple technique.
This guide is free to you and includes a written outline, short video training and a meditation. To access this and save it for yourself, simply click HERE