A better way to manage the emotional rollercoaster. Feel stronger and more in control when trying to conceive, or later
Many of us have been taught about emotions in an unhelpful way, leading to challenging consequences. In this blog, we’ll explore why this happens and how you can change it right away.
In a world where we’re encouraged to raise our hands if we’re struggling but not given the right tools to move forward, it’s no wonder we feel lost. This blog will guide you out of that fog, whether you’re trying to conceive or navigating your parenting journey.
The Short-Term Impact
Maybe this is familiar… We can find ourselves bottling up how we feel. Or it all explodes at once. Either way, it can feel like we’ve morphed into a persona we barely recognise. We’re bouncing between different states, thoughts or feelings, without knowing who we are any more.
When around others, it’s like we’re treading on eggshells. Maybe they’re following the same pattern. Or even worse, we sense they are.
When on a journey to parenthood it’s especially evident at any and every stage:
– When TTC, dealing with infertility or loss, the seemingly endless rollercoaster that comes with every cycle is exhausting. You feel you’re at a breaking point at a time when everyone is (unhelpfully) telling you to relax and be positive
– During pregnancy, you might be living scan to scan desperately happy and terrified all at once. Trying to be excited but find yourself pulled back into nerves and a familiar anxiety
– As a new parent, emotions are heightened by the newness of it all and intense tiredness. It’s like living in permanent jetlag and the world is foggy. While you know a flare-up is normal, it leaves you feeling guilty and ungrateful
The Long Term Impact
Built up over time, this rollercoaster affects our sense of self, often without us even realising it’s happening. Our personalities shift based on circumstances, experiences and belief systems.
This can become the root of our internal narrative, the little bully on our shoulder who’s always keen to criticise us.
When our internal narrative is regularly critical, it can shape how we see ourselves and how we show up. A constant critic in our ear, even if it’s our own, can leave us feeling uncertain or even unsafe emotionally.
Socially it makes us question ourselves, we lose focus at work and wonder if we need a change, and arguments and frustrations set in with loved ones.
Imagine if there was a better way. How would it be to be able to manage our feelings and emotions instead of feeling like they manage us?
It might sound simple, but there’s an even simpler reason we’re not doing it – we’ve not been taught the right way.
Debunking the negative emotions myth
First and foremost, let’s ditch this idea of ‘negative’ emotions. While there are emotions we don’t particularly like to have or be expressed towards us, labelling them as negative doesn’t help.
Let’s explore – if we have a ‘negative’ emotion, that gives the connotation that we are bad. That we’ve done something wrong. Surely context is a bigger factor in these circumstances. The same single emotion can be positive or negative depending on the situation. Anger at injustice isn’t the same as at our partner for not tidying up! In of itself “anger” isn’t therefore negative.
If we say “anger is negative” we are subconsciously telling ourselves it’s something we need to move away from. It needs to be replaced by something positive. This hurts for 3 big reasons:
1) We may not be ready to move to that better place
2) We feel guilty for holding on or even feeling the emotion
3) We become the emotion and therefore if the emotion is bad, we read that as we are bad too
The misunderstanding you need to understand
Rather than addressing the emotions, and labelling them as good or bad, we want to understand them better instead.
Think of a saucepan that’s boiling over. Visualise yourself cooking some pasta. You’re distracted and suddenly notice the top of the pan is full of giant white bubbles. What do you do? Firstly, in the few seconds that follow your subconscious mind knows what’s happening and what to do. You’ve been here before and know the best next steps.
You decide to either;
1) Ignore the bubbles and allow it to boil over
2) Put a lid on the pan
3) Turn down the heat
Number 3, right?! You could do either of numbers 1 or 2 but that’d likely leave a real mess of your stove!
How often are our emotions like that boiling pan and we decide to either:
1) Ignore how we’re feeling and focus on something else
2) Tell ourselves to stop feeling xx and instead feel yy
3) Understand why we’re feeling as we are and fix the root
It’s not your fault
The thing is, most of us weren’t taught to do anything different. Our caregivers loved us (hopefully) and didn’t want us to be in distress so they’d tell us to “not be angry/sad/lonely” but instead to “be grateful/happy/social”
We’ve been brought up to believe it’s wrong to feel certain ways, without recognising they’re all human emotions we need in order to grow and move forward.
Instead, the approach we’ve learnt can hold us back. Make us feel trapped, guilty, like we should be better.
As adults, we attempt to brush ourselves off as we would have done in the playground and change our focus. While it’s true we can control how we feel, the constant brush-off causes more harm than good in many cases.
It’s different now
When my son started school, they invited the parents in to teach us how they teach emotions to the children. It was quite funny, and we all thought it’d be a bit silly but there’s something that struck me.
We were encouraged to make a physical toolbox of resources that the children could use if they were feeling stressed/uncomfortable etc. Things like a fidget toy, squeezy you know the things.
It struck me, how many of us have our own ‘toolbox’ of resources that work at helping us when we’re feeling something uncomfortable? The general advice is things like ‘count to 10’ which personally, I can count to 10 very well through gritted teeth but it doesn’t necessarily help calm me down!
What we need, just like the children, are powerful tools we can use right there and then to bring us out of the reactive phase (or flight or flight response) and into a more in-control space.
Various techniques are available including things such as; anchoring, acupressure, meditation, journaling, hypnosis, EFT etc. There are so many different options available for all of us to learn, once we know how to access them.
The root of our emotions
Fundamentally one of our basic human needs is to feel safe. Life is so hectic these days that it’s easy to be caught in the chaos. Juggling lots of things at once. Don’t you often find it’s almost like you’re caught in a dishwasher spinning around?!
Knowing that we feel so much more up in our heads when we feel ‘unsafe’ is a good place to start. (NB This isn’t talking about safety in reference to abuse or violence)
Once we realise this, we know that one of the first places to start is to come back to a place of emotional safety. The BAAT Method is something I teach clients to help them become more in control of their emotions, thoughts, and feelings. With practice, this will bring about a long-term sense of inner peace and feeling grounded and supported from within.
A different way to address emotions – that helps instead of hinders
Think about it… is it the emotion that’s an issue or the impact of having that emotion? Is it feeling angry, or how feeling angry makes you act? I get it, they’re very similar. But they are different. By recognising this first, it starts to shift our perspective. Suddenly the emotions aren’t ‘negative’ as such.
Changing our perspective is everything here. Let me explain…
Look instead of emotions as flags that highlight an unmet need within us. They alert us to something that needs to be addressed. Once we know this, by addressing the need rather than the emotion, the emotion naturally falls away. The need is satisfied so the flag or emotional alert isn’t required again.
It’s like that saucepan. It boils over as a sign the heat was too high. By turning the heat down, the pot ‘calmed’.
So how do we know how to “turn down the heat” of our emotions? Typically, each emotion has its underlying flag or need. Some of the most obvious ones are:
Anger – Fairness toward ourselves
Guilt – Fairness towards others
Sadness – Healing
The method
To put this into place, and finally start to manage your emotions I recommend using the BAAT method:
B -Be aware that you’re feeling a certain way. Say it aloud, with your name. “{name}, I’m feeling {emotion} right now.”
A – Acknowledge the emotion and the underlying need (at the end of this blog you’ll find a list of the most obvious ones)
A – Analyse what you can do to address the need (not the emotion)
T – Take action. What steps can you take right now to address that need?
By following this method, you will notice yourself starting to feel less triggered, and less caught in your emotions. Instead, you’ll feel empowered and back in the driver’s seat of your thoughts and feelings.
The result
Imagine how freeing it would be to sit back in the driver’s seat, instead of flung around on the rollercoaster.
Your relationships with loved ones would be easier, and your focus at work would be restored. And most importantly, you’ll start to rebuild your self-belief and trust that you are inwardly strong at a core level. This practice will tell your deep mind that you are capable, and you are in control.
You’d be able to teach it forward too, to those around you and the next generation. A different way of looking at emotions to fix the root, rather than the result.
In conclusion
Within this blog, we’ve looked at how easy it is for our emotions to hold us back and make us feel stuck and less worthy. For most, this is because of how we were taught.
In a world where we’re encouraged to put our hand up if we’re struggling, but not given the right tools to move forward, it’s little wonder we’re lost. The BAAT method is a proven way to manage our emotions, instead of being managed by them.
Whether trying to conceive, pregnant, with or without a child, this method is invaluable to live a full life on your terms. To reduce the shame and discomfort we feel about ourselves and instead flourish and grow.
This is something I work through with my clients in more detail and the results are incredible. Seeing their shoulders loosen as they start to instinctively relax is incredible. Hearing their stories of stressful events where they no longer feel stressed is heart warming. If you’d like more guidance on this download my free guide connecting the dots on your emotional wellbeing. It includes a mediation and a short video with an exercise to bring you back to inner peace at any time. Get your copy right away with this link here.
Some more Emotions and corresponding Needs:
Fear – Safety
Anxiety – Certainty
Stress – Calm
Failure – Learning
Loneliness – Connection
Despondency – Hope