IVF is looming. Whether you’ve been here before or it’s the first time it’s emotional. If it’s you going through it, it’s scary. It can feel so final and scientific. All you want to do is feel positive and excited that this is your chance. So what is it that’s holding you back? The bounce between different states of being is exhausting and adds to the overwhelm. Does this sound familiar? Hang in there. I’m going to share some ways to shift this for good.
As well as the emotions, there’s the practical side too. Who to tell and when. How to ask for support or do it alone. Thoughts about what’s on the other side are never far behind. Holding on to all of this is heavy.
Within this blog, I’ll share practical tips and tools to quieten the mental chaos and support you in taking back control at this time.
Supporting a loved one who is going through IVF
If you’re supporting someone who’s going through IVF, whether a partner, friend or relative this blog will shine a light on what’s going on for them and how you could support them in a meaningful way too.
The washing machine
It’s easy to get bogged down in IVF. It can feel like your head is spinning when faced with the prep, the advice, the information or even your thoughts. Almost like being in a washing machine, not knowing which way is up or down! In this blog you’ll find the pause button and the control one too.
Your 10 Expert Tips for when you are going through IVF
Set out below are 10 ways to keep your cool for your next cycle. Some light-hearted, some serious, all tried and tested and beneficial. Which one will you choose, or will you do them all?!
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Decide who to tell
This might seem straightforward, but I’m often asked how or if to share with family or work. During my IVF I personally decided to share with my manager. We were close, I knew his story and it made sense. But it doesn’t always.
Think of it this way… if you were going on a date night and planned to have s*x after, would you share? Would you expect someone else to share if they were? Chances are it’d be kept personal.
Although IVF is different, the purpose is somewhat the same. It’s simply a different way to the same goal.
Because it’s more medical, requiring clinic appointments and so meaningful we put pressure on ourselves to share. However, if you prefer it can remain personal and under wraps, unless your company has a policy otherwise.
To help make the decision, ask your clinic how often you’ll need to go for appointments and the opening hours. Depending on the location, you could work around the appointments without any impact. If that’s not possible, there might be such a small number that they could easily be put down to a sick day/holiday or similar.
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Music or Podcasts
There’s nothing worse than sitting in a waiting room with a combination of hope and dread while you wait your turn to be seen. We’ve all been there!
Instead, make a playlist of songs or podcasts that you can enjoy listening to while waiting. You might like to have a mixture of calm and funny. Music has a way of taking us to a different place in our minds. It’s ideal to tap into this at these times. Close your eyes and let it take you where you like.
It’s impossible to have 2 conflicting emotions at once so listening to a podcast or music that makes you smile will help erase the anxiety.
Just because of where you are, doesn’t mean you have to feel anxious. It’s a special time in some ways too, no? NB I don’t recommend listening to any fertility related podcasts at this time.
In years to come, that playlist might even become a special memory.
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Collection and Transfer Day
Have a rough plan for how your day will be. Choose something nice to mark the occasion, and be kind to yourself too. If you’re working, this could be a treat on the way or a special dinner. You’ve got this far and it’s worth recognising that. I have a bank of specialist hypnosis tracks to support this time, both from a physiological and emotional perspective. Check out the link below to download. Some people like to have acupuncture, there’s the trend of McDonald’s chips (!) whichever you do enjoy the moment. NB I’m not suggesting either will or will not support the outcome.
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Managing the 2ww, not be managed by it
During my first 2ww, I took time off work and it was going to be a special time. As it turns out, we argued at the start and the next few days were tetchy, to say the least! During another 2ww I didn’t plan anything, worked and we took an impromptu relaxing weekend away the day after transfer. That’s the one that worked.
However you plan to spend your 2ww, do what’s right for you. Don’t try and force something if it doesn’t feel right. This is your time. Time will drag, and the days will feel long so it’s important to equip yourself with what makes you feel good at this time. You could make a list beforehand of things you’ve wanted to try, see or do. This will help bring back the enjoyment rather than the endless waiting.
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Find your tribe
Think of it like scaffolding… the different poles are there for different reasons. Who is in your scaffolding? Who do you have beside you whether for regular check-ins or just in case-ers?!
There are lots of social media groups etc. which are amazing but be cautious with these. Ask yourself, who is in these and contributing? It’s often either the people who are still in the thick of it or had a really difficult time and are there to support others. Either way, the narrative can be that it’s a hard place.
Sometimes being in those groups doesn’t always give the most rounded perspective. If you’re there, be sure to balance with other stories or support too. If you’re struggling with finding your tribe and would like someone in your corner, reach out and we can see how that might look HERE
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Feel Safe
When we’re bouncing back and forth between hope and despair it’s easy to feel exhausted and anxious. Both are so closely linked. From here, the panic can set in. We then feel emotionally unsafe in many ways. When here, rather than pushing ourselves to “feel better”, we need to feel safe. There is a way we can do this based on acupressure. It’s called the Lao Gong point. Here’s how to access it…
Make a fist with your hand. Where the tip of your middle finger touches your palm is the point. Take a deep breath in. As you breathe out, touch that point with the thumb of your other hand. You will feel an instant wave of calmness come over you. Try this anytime the anxiety starts to rise to recentre and return to a place of calm.
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Stay Present
By doing IVF, there’s a chance it can work and you’ll be pregnant soon. If that weren’t a possibility, IVF wouldn’t be an option. That said, we don’t want to force ourselves to feel positive. Instead, it’s better to believe in the possibility. Forced positivity doesn’t help because underneath you know the outcome is unknown. To keep you safe, your mind will keep reminding you of that. And then starts the seesaw of positivity and fear… and guilt.
Instead, stay present with where you are at every stage. What do you know and what is real. Remind yourself there is a chance, that’s why you’re here.
Through the 2ww, instead of imagining the baby, imagine the little bean inside nuzzling in. Because right now, we know that’s where it is.
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Journal
Journalling is very different to ‘Dear Diary’. The intention of journalling isn’t necessarily to look back and reflect on what you wrote (or criticise!). With this in mind, we can be free to let the words flood out. Allowing the words to pour out of us, without meaning or even sentences, we start to see things differently. Process them in a way that’s so much more helpful. Prompts can help us to reflect on what’s already happened and to set goals for where we’re heading.
After some practice, the benefits will be evident. When they are, decide whether to journal because of its benefits rather than because it’s on your to-do list.
This applies to all types of self-care. If they’re on a to-do list we’re more likely to want to rebel and not carry them out, then feel guilty for not doing it. Instead, celebrate the times you did and the benefits you get as a result.
IVF is such a mixed bag of emotions, up and downs. Journaling can help to make sense of it all safely. It brings clarity to a challenging time and a stronger sense of self. Just what you need to support you.
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Check-In Times
With your partner/husband, it can feel like IVF/fertility/babies is either the only thing you talk about, or it’s almost a swear word! It can be hard to get the balance.
Instead of this push-pull treading on eggshells existence, set aside dedicated time you’ll talk about it together. Make it a special time in some way that’s meaningful to both of you.
Set a time to finish and stick to it. This helps ensure both of you feel comfortable and not afraid of it lasting too long. Future times can always be added! Outside of these times, be sure you’re still a couple. Maintaining your connection is so important. While it feels like life revolves around fertility, there’s certainly more that’s there too. For you alone and together as a couple. Let TTC be a part of your life, and not take over.
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Medication Fear
If you’re nervous about the meds you’ll be taking, ask yourself why.
Is it the how to inject? If so, practice on an orange (as my clinic suggested!)
Is there a fear around injections? If so, address that (hypnosis is great here).
Are you nervous about the side effects? If so, be aware that each person is different. Some sail through with no side effects at all. Who’s to say you won’t be that person?
Are you nervous about simply taking medication? If so, explore why this might be. Is there an earlier story that’s gotten stuck? Remember, unlike most mediation, this is to help you get to your baby. Normally we take medication when something is wrong, this is completely different. This time it will support you in reaching your goal. Looking ahead, will it matter if/when that goal is reached? Instead of being nervous, could you be excited about how they will help? You might like to research how they will support you and connect or visualise that happening. So often fear is due to the unknown and this time, that can be changed. The fear can be replaced with interest.
These 10 tips outlined here will support you on your journey. To find calm amongst the chaos and live it a different way this time. The impact of that is huge.
Your Power
Overall, how would you like to experience your next IVF cycle? Once it’s finished, how would you like to remember it? If this is the one, what memories would you like to hold?
We have so much power to control our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it’s simply a case of not having been taught how. Reminding yourself it’s possible, and finding support if that’s what you decide, is so vital.
If you’re about to embark on IVF or know someone who will, I wish you all the very very best. I really hope this is your time. One that will create memories and help you reach your goal.
An Invite
A downloadable 2ww survival kit is available at just £27 to support you at this time. It includes specialist hypnosis for egg collection, transfer and while waiting to test. An affordable package to support your body and mind at this crucial time. To access or for more information simply click HERE